I have already picked out today’s song so we should start with this.
I’m sorry for being so depressed all the time. I’m sorry for being an awful friend. I’m sorry for doing most of the things I do. I don’t know where to go from here… I’m stuck, I used to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I had hope that something good might start happening to me but now it’s all gone.
I seem to get more and more into trouble and care less and less about my studies and choir and all of the things that used to matter to me. I would just like to quit everything and escape from the fast pace of life. People might not even notice that I’m different because when I’m near the people who care about me I act totally normal. Probably only the few people who read my blog know how fucked up my mind really is. Sometimes I feel that some of the teachers from my school can actually read it from my eyes. The weird thing about that is that my parents notice nothing. If they’d just look at my eyes.
My eyes always tell the truth, no matter what. I basically hate everything about myself besides my eyes. I could stare at my eyes for hours. Sometimes I do it just to think, to focus on my thoughts. I feel like my true self is locked inside this body and it’s screaming to get out.
People always tell me that they’re proud of me and they think I could conquer the world if I wanted to. And if people say that I would just like to cry and tell them how terribly wrong they are. It hurts even more when it comes from a person who I take as role models.
There are so many friends who try to help me and I get what they mean. I know what I have to do but I don’t know how. It feels like there’s a barrier I can’t cross. I even have to force myself to do everyday things, like getting out of the bed and brushing my teeth. I have my own theories why I am in the situation I am now. Mostly because I expect so much from myself, others usually don’t expect anything from me. But I only am satisfied with the best and if I can’t do it with on the first time I give up. I also promise too much things for others and then struggle with completing them. I even don’t have dreams anymore. I have killed all of them with the thought that it’ll never ever happen.
Right now my everyday goal is to stay alive. I’ve realised death comes closer and closer to me. I see myself in dreams, dying. And since I was twelve most of the people I’ve known have been very close to killing themselves (all of them have been older than me). I’ve even saved a person from suicide and back then I thought the reasons he tried to kill himself were silly but now I get him. I’m not planning to kill myself, don’t worry about that. I still have some sense left, I’m just saying that I get him and if it continues the way it does…
I have no idea why I am writing this. I know that every one can read it but I guess that’s the point. Maybe someone who cares and knows how to help reads this. Maybe people finally understand why I am the way I am. I’m just sorry for being such an awful person.