I guess right now the only thing I can do is just write it out. I don’t really want to do something stupid.
For few hours I was already feeling good again, I was functioning like a normal person. It’s back again 😦 I don’t really want to tell about it to my friends again (You’ll know who you are) because I know they worry about me and I’m pretty sure they’ve got their own problems to deal with.
I’m actually so grateful. They’ve done so much to me and probably saved me more than once. If they would have turned their backs to me I would be devastated. They are my fuel, even though I’m probably draining them up.
I feel so silly and childish with it. It kinda just feels so stupid and it kinda makes everything even worse. I feel like there is so much more important than this, it’s just pretty ridiculous. I don’t have no idea what to do. I know the things you’re telling me over and over again and it probably seems like I don’t listen at all but I’m not strong enough to keep the hold of my thoughts all the time, there are just so many triggers in my everyday tasks, at least right now.
Now I feel like I’m complaining even though I think I’m not. Also feeling so fake. It might be a huge complaint and fakeness after all. Not sure of it either. Don’t really know if I’m certain of anything besides my name. This describes pretty well how my thoughts race. From one thing to another, it’s actually worse than it seems from this post. In real life it’s 10 times worse, trust me.
To be honest I have no idea why I’m writing this at the moment because there are some people who shouldn’t see this and probably will but oh well… I just need to get it out of myself, it kinda eats my soul if it makes sense. I would like to just get out of here and hopefully get rid of those thoughts and feelings.