The title is a bit wrong because I probably should start writing about my self-esteem stuff. Basically it has dropped really low lately. It just kinda tortures me. I’m not sure whether it’s the real me or I’m just making it up. To be honest I’m not sure about anything anymore. I just feel like I’m fake and stupid and ugly and just want to hide from everything and everyone. And now talking to my friend on Skype has turned into a huge task because I get anxious even though there was a time when we video called almost everyday. Now I just get extremely anxious and self-concious about myself, the way I look and what I say.
The next thing I wanted to write about are the concerts I’ve been to on the past two days. Yesterday I hear our school band performing. It was pretty good, I liked it even though there were some stuff that could be improved. They had chosen good songs but the vocalist was pretty weak. His nerves got the best of him and when it was the time for the last song he felt okay on the stage so that was a pity. I got awkward there though. . . I got really embarrassed and my self-esteem dropped 100x lower than it already is. I just wanted to hide and skip school for the rest of my life (it still seems like a pretty good idea).
The other concert we had was today, it wasn’t actually a concert but something very similar to it. We had Mattias IA Eklundh performing in our school today. It was really cool and it was cool how he spoke to the audience, even though he was in school he still was himself and he didn’t change himself. The songs he played were really cool too. I really enjoyed it besides it was a good distraction for myself.
Today I also realised how disappointing can friends be. Just disappearing hurts and disappoints always the most. I totally understand if you don’t want to talk to me but then you should say that. It’s getting hard to believe that your phone or computer or whatever is broken and it seems that they are just reasons to avoid me. The fact is that just when I was about to feel normal again something happens, you disappear and it makes me weaker again. If it really is like you say and stuff is broken again then just let me know or actually whatever the reason is just let me know. I believe honesty is the most important thing and now the only thing I feel is that I’m being lied to.
Sorry that this post ended with a rant…