So this video was inspired by one of my twitter friends, she made a video about self harm and depression on youtube.
I guess I should start off with the fact that I’m still struggling with depression(today seems to be one of my more okay days) and I have self harmed. I can’t say I’m over it, even though I would really like to say that. Yes, I haven’t done anything to myself in a while but it still goes through my head once in a while. At first I was hiding my scars, now I’m not hiding them anymore but I’m also not showcasing them. First question people ask is probably why, the next one they ask is when, because usually you don’t even notice it. My answer to why would be I don’t know, mostly because at the time you don’t really think about what you’re about to do nor why you’re doing it, you just act. For me it just seemed and still seems sometimes the only way to go. The reason why I haven’t fallen back to that and why I stopped was my family (You know who you are and from now on I’m gonna refer to you as my family), they are just there for me and I’m very grateful that I’ve found people like that.
I’m not even completely sure why I want to share my story because I know I’m not that strong to share it yet. I’ll probably regret it soon because some people reading this blog deserve to be punched and shouldn’t read about my mental life but I’m still doing it.
The other reason why I thought I’d write this post is that I know very many people who have done that, which is incredibly sad. One of my best friends used to do that and I know how hard is for people to help those who feel like killing or harming themselves is a way to go. I don’t think that any of you who has shared their stories or even who has shown pictures of their scars or fresh cuts seeks for attention. I just want to say that sharing fresh cuts or even scars hurts as much as doing it yourself, thus I think sharing pictures of that is wrong. I know it’s sometimes easier to take a picture that to say it out loud because I’ve done that (Sorry for that). For me it was easy to speak up because I already had friends to speak to but I remember being so fucked at the time that I didn’t really care who I’d tell (I knew I had to tell someone, something inside of me said, Ann, you’re so fucked you need to get help).
Writing this is incredibly hard because I don’t have any concrete thoughts about it and all of my thoughts are all over the place. I just know I want to help people with sharing my story and my thoughts and my small knowledge about it. I just want all of you, who feel like they’re outcasts or that they don’t have a right to live know that I’m here and before you do anything to talk to me (write me an email firstname.lastname@example.org). I know I might just be a stranger and I might not have anything to say but I also know how even the stupidest things can make you feel better and make you see the sun behind the clouds.
Hope you’re all doing well