I guess that the title sums up pretty well how I’ve been feeling lately.
Yesterday I had a pretty bad breakdown and I’m still recovering from it. I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t take it anymore and I broke down. To be honest I’m still pretty tearful and sad right now and I’m not even sure how writing this post is going to influence my mood.
I just feel like I live in a bad book or something. I feel like I live in my own world where I can manage very well but this other world. This world where everyone else exists I can’t do a thing. I have been looking like shit for the past month. It’s a lucky chance if I get out of bed and it’s an even luckier chance if I do something productive, like tidy my room or do my workout (my room looks horrible right now…). All I want to do is just hide in the world of books because this is the only part which can’t collapse around me.
It’s actually so sad because I know I can be happy if you leave out a few things that make me sad but these can be improved so if I’m happy in general then these will improve anyways.
I think that with the collapsing of my band it got worse because I have been sad about leaving the choir and I don’t understand why because I was depressed there too. I enjoyed band and I enjoy music but right now I feel like I don’t have a purpose and the other thing next to music is books but not many people find it as a proper hobby or something.
I’m tired of hiding and spending time alone but I feel like after what happened with my band all of my friends have abandoned me. I just need someone who I can call no matter when and they’d either come over or I could go there and get a hug. I know I have Jess and Josh and Pony but this isn’t the same really and I know they would let me do it but I just can’t… and as long I don’t have anyone here I feel like I’m going to stay this pile of misery and failure.
The idea for the blog post actually came from mum because she told me to tell her what’s up with me and she’d try to help but I knew I’m not able to so I thought I’d write it all down.
I don’t know if this is relevant at all but recently I have been listening to lot of indie and sad songs. I’m not sure if this is connected to my moods but music usually is.
I honsestly don’t know what’s up with me. I have been feeling like this for a while but recently it has been getting worse again and I don’t really want it to happen at all…
I don’t know what else to say.