This will be a rant post so if you’re not into those kinds of posts then there’s nothing for you.

Now to the post,

I have been feeling yay and nay at the same time. Mostly yay though because I have someone to talk to and I’m really happy about that. People who know more know that I haven’t been talking to Josh but recently we have been talking again and I feel somewhat good about myself (I felt really guilty about causing such pain to him). I don’t like him the way I was obsessed with him before but I do need him, especially now (I’m going to explain why I need him more than I usually do in the following paragraphs).

I want to make it clear that I’m not going back begging him to take me back or something, I just want someone to talk to and considering the mess (I hope some of you understand what I mean) I’ve managed to create and people I’ve managed to loss I feel like going back to the old trusted people is good.

To be honest the mess I’ve created is the reason  why I reached out to Josh, why I came up with this title and why I’m totally fucked up again and most definitely why I’m writing this post.

I feel lonely again because I’m pretty sure I have lost my dearest of friends and I hate that something so rudimentary as a relationship can ruin all of your friendships. I love my international friends and I have no idea how I’m going to get those back in a current state I am because I’m in no state to build them up again but I need them, also I need to make Karl understand how big of a part these people play in my life and that there are some parts that he can’t come to because it’s so special (like my relationship with Jess used to be).

I’m not blaming him at all, he lives in his own world and it’s okay. I’m also not trying to change him but there has to be a way to make it work for everyone…

I just don’t know what to do and I just need some time to curl up and figure out shit and maybe cry or do something of that sort.

Also I know you guys are all helpful and I will try to write to you if you want to email me or something but nothing helps better than a good book, writing to my lovely blog and stabbing shit out of stuff.