This weekend I had the chance to meet someone super inspiring. The lecture I went to was something that I needed, it also made me realise some crucial things.
In a way realising the things I did makes my life so much harder and confusing.
I know that I haven’t gotten better from those dark times back in 2013 and that I have been getting worse through out the whole thing. I have lost all of my support system and all of my ways of coping, I mean I have new ways but they don’t really help as much as they used to.
In a way I feel completely lost because I need to make really big decisions and I have no idea how I feel after I’ve made them. There’s so much for me to consider- my health, my mental health, my wants and my needs. Right now I’m not doing anything that would help those parts to get better at all. I just hide away my feelings and everything else with smoking and with reading. I don’t even try to help myself with music because I just don’t know how or what I need to do so that music helps.
Basically I’ve become this wreck of a human who just does the regular tasks they need to do. I’ve tried to seek help but I feel like no one hears me, I can only compare it to screaming when no one can hear you or when you have no voice.
I wouldn’t say that I’m necessarily depressed, it’s more like I have these episodes of feeling depressed which confuse me and the rest of the time it’s just struggling through my life and trying to not drown when the sea is violent.